Cards I Can’t Fucking Deal With

Everyone seems to have the same few “least favorite” tarot cards: The Tower, 10 of Swords, 3 of Swords, 5 of Anything.

Me? I don’t mind bad news. What I mind is hideous fucking artwork.

Allow me to share with you a few of the abominations that hide among my decks.

 

The Chariot from The Robin Wood Tarot

The Chariot from The Robin Wood Tarot

I already talked about this asshole a bit on my Instagram page, but what is the deal here? I’ve always felt like The Chariot was about the strength of wrangling opposing forces and using it to get places. But not for this douche. I guess he’s whipped so much ass that the opposing horses don’t even dare fucking argue, and he just strums his little harp as he blazes gloriously forward with that…that face. Or maybe I’m reading this completely wrong and he’s just on a puppet stage.

 

The Magician from the Aquarian Tarot

The Magician from the Aquarian Tarot

I don’t know if it’s the necklessness, the mustache, or whatever the hell is going on with his hair/hat/head, but this guy creeps me out. He looks like he’s spent the last three years of his life trying to lure kids into his car with candy and he’s finally gotten one and brought it home and now he’s not sure what to do.

 

The Wheel of Fortune from the Robin Wood Tarot

The Wheel of Fortune from the Robin Wood Tarot

 

What the hell?

This one deserves a fucking award of some kind. I do believe this is my top-hated card. So far.

 

Tarot of the Secret Forest

Tarot of the Secret Forest

QUICK! WHAT CARD IS THIS?

If you said The Tower, you’re fucking wrong. This is the 4 of Cups. Is this not a tower with giant, ferocious waves crashing  against it?

This deck is FUCKING GORGEOUS, but this card is just to confusing.

 

Ace of Pentacles from Deviant Moon Tarot

Ace of Pentacles from Deviant Moon Tarot

This card isn’t in the “hideous” category. Let’s just get that out of the way. It’s a really cool dragon.

This card is in the “what the hell is this doing in here” category. I love the Deviant Moon deck. I love its personality, its sarcasm, and its humor. I love the monstery and moon-faced citizens. And then all of a sudden: this. It’s just so different, it’s jarring during readings. I want a re-do of this card. I want a moon-faced citizen, and then I want 77 more dragon cards to go with this one.

 

The world is full of fucking atrocities, including our favorite tarot decks. What cards can’t YOU stand?

Last Evening

A young woman died yesterday.

I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t follow her instagram page. But I would have had I found it.

I’ve found it now.

Last night, my kids went to stay with their grandma for a bit while my husband and I went out to eat. We tasted wines. We oogled the dessert menu while we ate our dinner. I had a sangria. Meanwhile, somewhere, there were shards of glass and ragged metal, confusion and colored lights, fear and pain and fear again.

I didn’t know her.

This morning, a baby only has a father, and the father a new widower. A baby with a cracked skull. This, to me, is the worst part. Those left behind always are. Especially when they can’t understand it.

This afternoon, I searched for the moon. It wasn’t in the sky, so I found it in a deck.

How do things get this way?

IMG_20150823_181021

About

I’m a married 27-year-old mother of three kids, two potbelly pigs, two dogs, and an annoying fucking cat. I live in Colorado. Here’s a bullet-pointed list of some shit about me as a person:

  • I’ve had a creepy love of occult and metaphysical things since I was about 7. There used to be a little metaphysical shop in the mall and my mother would take me there.
  • I’m a certified yoga teacher and I occasionally teach people, but I don’t touch them and I refuse to try and sell it as “exercise.”
  • My Myers Briggs personality is INTP.
  • My in-laws literally think I’m Satan.
  • I don’t really know what I’d call my beliefs. Maybe Spiritual Atheist.
  • If I were a meme, I would be Grumpy Cat.

I’m obligated to put a picture of myself here. This is me doing yoga in my living room.

Screenshot_2015-08-23-16-08-36-1

Border Cutting is Equivalent to Genital Mutilation

I have a deck with rather thick, stark-white borders. I’ve seen a lot of people who have trimmed the borders off their decks and they look fucking fabulous. So I googled, “How to trim a goddamn tarot deck.” It turns out I don’t even have the proper tools or enough energy to do it, but I do have to share a wild meltdown I ran into.

There is a tarot blog, somewhere out there, by someone who needs to get a fucking grip. I can’t even type this with a straight face: He called border-trimming “tarot circumcision.”

He was fucking furious. He called people “carto-feminists.” He accused people of “circumcising their tarot cards.” I checked around the site for signs of satire, but I found none. I think he actually meant this shit.

Pictured: foreskin

Pictured: foreskin

So, if I cut the borders off my tarot deck, will it effect its sexual performance? And if tarot decks have the ability to reproduce, how come badass new hybrid decks never show up in my tarot drawer? Do I need to drop them off in pairs at a Pokemon breeder’s house and check back in a few days?

WHO FUCKING CARES? Seriously, who gets all worked up over what people out there do or don’t do to their decks of cards?

Welcome and Some FAQ Bullshit

Welcome to the Tarot Readings from a Bitch blog!

IF YOU CLUTCH YOUR CHEST IN HORROR EVERY TIME SOMEONE UTTERS “FUCK,” I RECOMMEND YOU LEAVE THIS BLOG NOW.

Here are some answers to some questions you might have about me, the blog, and Tarot Readings from a Bitch:

Why do you approach the tarot this way?

Because I’m an asshole. Also, because too much of this “love and light” crap is causing…just weirdness. When people ask for a reading, or even when I read for myself, I’m not looking for some flimsy comfort. If everything is always just sunshine and baby hedgehogs, what the hell is the point of a tarot reading at all? I’m not afraid of dishing out some bad fucking news.

Will you do a reading for me?

Yes. I’m currently in the process of setting up a lil’ shop to do just that. I really don’t want to have to do goddamn videos, though.

Are there any books you recommend for learning the tarot?

Whatever guidebook comes with your deck.Other than that, none of them. Scan through some tarot-learning sites for free on Google. Look at several different site’s descriptions for each card. Get a general feel for the card’s meaning and then put that shit away. I’m serious. There’s no fucking point in learning to read tarot cards if all you are going to do is regurgitate what you’ve read somewhere.

Who are you to have a blog to talk about and interpret tarot cards?

Nobody. I’m not “certified” or any of that bullshit. Certification for intuition is ridiculous. I practice. I observe. I listen. I absorb. I contemplate.

If you have another question you think I should answer here, comment that shit.