My New YouTube Channel

Seemingly out of the blue, I started a YouTube channel. I figured I’d take a minute to talk about the why’s, my fears, and what I hope to do with it here because, well, writing is still my favorite medium.

TW/CW: long COVID19 symptoms, depression

The “why” is a weird one so buckle up: I’ve gotten COVID twice. The brain fog started the first time, which was early 2021. It seemed to have finally started lifting some when I got COVID again at the end of the year, despite my vaccinations and mask-wearing. The brain fog descended, thicker this time. More persistent. More difficult to live with.

This brain fog has literally changed my life. I can’t think of words. I forget what I’m doing in the middle of doing it. I don’t remember why I started talking. I can’t organize my thoughts to do anything that requires several steps to accomplish. I forgot my bank app password that has been the same for fifteen fucking years. Where I used to have a fire that would make me angry and motivate me at times like this, instead I just feel defeated like I should have expected this shit. It’s changed my view of who I even am.

That’s some depressing shit, but what does it have to do with the YouTube account? Well, I’ve always imagined that some day I could have one and make little videos. And then the brain fog started the first time and I was like well, I can’t do that now, I should have just done it before this happened. And then it came again, worse, and I said well fuck, I probably could have done it before, but now I really can’t. Then I realized…what if it comes again? What if it gets worse? Age doesn’t make shit like this better, so I figured I’d just do it. Like ripping off a bandaid.

So that’s the answer to “why now.” I decided fuck it, so I just um and uh my way through videos that I do in one take because I’m not about that editing life.

So far I’ve just done some deck walkthroughs, and unboxing, and a VR. My grand plans for in-depth shit I imagined for myself years ago just isn’t a possibility for me right now, if ever. I’m nervous to even post videos sometimes because I feel like people who watch them will wonder what the fuck I’m even doing when I keep forgetting what I’m talking about.

Anyway, I’m just going to direct my tarot ramblings into videos where people might enjoy hearing them instead of directing them at my husband who doesn’t really know what I’m talking about. I’m keeping it simple and trying not to stress myself out over it. I am, however, hoping I’ll be able to manage some deeper content soon.

If you want to check out the train wreck, it’s here.