Cards I Can’t Fucking Deal With

Everyone seems to have the same few “least favorite” tarot cards: The Tower, 10 of Swords, 3 of Swords, 5 of Anything.

Me? I don’t mind bad news. What I mind is hideous fucking artwork.

Allow me to share with you a few of the abominations that hide among my decks.

 

The Chariot from The Robin Wood Tarot

The Chariot from The Robin Wood Tarot

I already talked about this asshole a bit on my Instagram page, but what is the deal here? I’ve always felt like The Chariot was about the strength of wrangling opposing forces and using it to get places. But not for this douche. I guess he’s whipped so much ass that the opposing horses don’t even dare fucking argue, and he just strums his little harp as he blazes gloriously forward with that…that face. Or maybe I’m reading this completely wrong and he’s just on a puppet stage.

 

The Magician from the Aquarian Tarot

The Magician from the Aquarian Tarot

I don’t know if it’s the necklessness, the mustache, or whatever the hell is going on with his hair/hat/head, but this guy creeps me out. He looks like he’s spent the last three years of his life trying to lure kids into his car with candy and he’s finally gotten one and brought it home and now he’s not sure what to do.

 

The Wheel of Fortune from the Robin Wood Tarot

The Wheel of Fortune from the Robin Wood Tarot

 

What the hell?

This one deserves a fucking award of some kind. I do believe this is my top-hated card. So far.

 

Tarot of the Secret Forest

Tarot of the Secret Forest

QUICK! WHAT CARD IS THIS?

If you said The Tower, you’re fucking wrong. This is the 4 of Cups. Is this not a tower with giant, ferocious waves crashing  against it?

This deck is FUCKING GORGEOUS, but this card is just to confusing.

 

Ace of Pentacles from Deviant Moon Tarot

Ace of Pentacles from Deviant Moon Tarot

This card isn’t in the “hideous” category. Let’s just get that out of the way. It’s a really cool dragon.

This card is in the “what the hell is this doing in here” category. I love the Deviant Moon deck. I love its personality, its sarcasm, and its humor. I love the monstery and moon-faced citizens. And then all of a sudden: this. It’s just so different, it’s jarring during readings. I want a re-do of this card. I want a moon-faced citizen, and then I want 77 more dragon cards to go with this one.

 

The world is full of fucking atrocities, including our favorite tarot decks. What cards can’t YOU stand?

Border Cutting is Equivalent to Genital Mutilation

I have a deck with rather thick, stark-white borders. I’ve seen a lot of people who have trimmed the borders off their decks and they look fucking fabulous. So I googled, “How to trim a goddamn tarot deck.” It turns out I don’t even have the proper tools or enough energy to do it, but I do have to share a wild meltdown I ran into.

There is a tarot blog, somewhere out there, by someone who needs to get a fucking grip. I can’t even type this with a straight face: He called border-trimming “tarot circumcision.”

He was fucking furious. He called people “carto-feminists.” He accused people of “circumcising their tarot cards.” I checked around the site for signs of satire, but I found none. I think he actually meant this shit.

Pictured: foreskin

Pictured: foreskin

So, if I cut the borders off my tarot deck, will it effect its sexual performance? And if tarot decks have the ability to reproduce, how come badass new hybrid decks never show up in my tarot drawer? Do I need to drop them off in pairs at a Pokemon breeder’s house and check back in a few days?

WHO FUCKING CARES? Seriously, who gets all worked up over what people out there do or don’t do to their decks of cards?