Queen of Swords Confessional

“I need to make sure I sit where I can see his face at his mother’s funeral, because I ended up behind him at his sister’s funeral and I couldn’t see his expression.”

Jesus Christ.

This was my thought as I placidly swept my kitchen this morning.

Housework gives me time to think, and when I have time to think, I inevitably go terrible, terrible places.

I’ve finally enclosed my absolute worst trait with words: I love seeing other people suffer that I feel “deserve” it. And I’m fucking ruthless.

You know whose face I want to see at his mother’s funeral? My father in law.

The man who refused to visit his sickly sister or answer her phone calls. The man who rolled his eyes and accused her of hypochondria with each new worrying diagnosis. The man who didn’t pack black clothing when she had a massive stroke and everyone gathered at the hospital to “be there” while they pulled the plug. The man who stood in the room and watched them power down the machines and walked out still wearing the expression of an irritated field foreman.

His mask never slipped. And nothing has changed.

His mother just turned 89 the other day. She’s diabetic with worsening Parkinson’s. A couple years ago, he told her she could no longer live in his house, and so she moved into a crumbling assisted living facility. Out of the way. He didn’t call her on her birthday. I crocheted her a blue scarf and visited her. My husband (her grandson) is her medical power of attorney, responsible for enforcing her Do Not Resuscitate order, because she knew she couldn’t ask her son.

A day will come when I’ll be dressing in black for her funeral.

And when we take a seat, I’ll need to make sure I sit where I can see his face, because I ended up behind him at his sister’s funeral and I couldn’t see his expression.

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2 thoughts on “Queen of Swords Confessional

  1. I hope I’m not out of line commenting, but the best seat in the house is going to be the fly on the wall when he’s dying in his own crumbling assisted living facility. These type will wonder and bitch to the staff that “no one ever visits.” A lonely hell indeed.

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  2. Asha Bada says:

    As I embrace my own Queen of Swords, this confession soothes my soul. We all embody light and dark just as the Universe but we sometimes think darkness is evil and that is far from truth, any who I feel the same sentiments watching people suffer who deserve it because why not? It just feels good to know that there is a cycle in life that gives back all the energy we give out!

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