Being Picky Makes Life Fucking Hard

I’m ridiculously picky about my Tarot and Oracle decks. Disgustingly so. And it makes my life fucking difficult.

Some people are like, “I stopped by my local metaphysical shop and grabbed a new deck!” You…you just GRABBED one? Like you went there and they actually had one you liked? They’ll say, “Well, they have like 30 different decks to choose from–”

Stop it. My local metaphysical shop has 50 decks and I hate them all.

No flowers.

No goddamn angels.

I don’t want to hear about fucking faeries unless they’re Brian Froud.

Animals are fine, but they need to be stylized nicely.

No cutesy bulging-eyed bullshit.

No white backgrounds.

No abstract colored/mandala cards–I have the On High Tarot, thank you very much, and all this other shit will never be nearly as good.

No crystal cards. I have actual crystals.

No romance novel covers.

No neo “goth” decks with scantily-glad Hot Topic girls crying mascara and drooling blood.

No photograph decks.

No mermaids.

No ugly people.

I don’t connect with Asian-style decks, even though I love how some of them look.

Get that Christo-Pagan shit away from me.

No comic book illustrations.

Did I mention fuck angels?

Also, I have weird “balance” rules. Gender: I want females AND MALES in my deck. And I want the genders to be impartial. If there are men on two cards and they’re both “knight-in-shining-armor” on a white horse bullshit–that’s still an all female deck. Alternatively, a deck full of naked women lounging their way through the major arcana with couple iron-clad men is a male deck.

Which brings me to my next issue: nudity. Please, draw me some naked people. Really. But not just for the sake of drawing titties. I want the nudity to have a fucking reason. It needs to add meaning to the cards. This is the tarot, for Christ’s sake, it’s supposed to be a striking depiction of the human condition, not a fucking porno. I want naked men and women, thanks.

So, with all of those parameters, decks I like are hard to find.

Do you have special “rules” when it comes to your decks? Or am I the only asshole with 500 specifications?

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9 thoughts on “Being Picky Makes Life Fucking Hard

  1. God, it’s a pleasure to read your posts. I couldn’t agree with you more, especially when it comes to nudity. I like to see nudity in my decks, but as you said, it needs to have a purpose. And (excepting, perhaps, cards like the Devil, where such a thing is appropriate) I don’t appreciate seeing overly sexualized characters. Thanks for another great post; keep them coming.

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  2. Helen Fahey says:

    Yep indeedy. NO Angels, fairies, unicorns, neo goth, infantalised women, mermaids or strange “cute” ones with huge eyes and tiny mouths or any generic Lo Scarabeo. I’m an adult, I want a grown up deck but not one that assumes I want to talk sex all the time…

    Basically I want a deck that shows adult dogs having a walk or afternoon naps and one with lots of tea paraphernalia (including good biscuits)

    A brilliant read and thank you for understanding me 🙂 BB

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    • vanwyzen says:

      One question, though. Are here flowers on the tea pots? Because then I’m out.

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      • Helen Fahey says:

        Well… at home, I have a bright red enamel tea pot, and a pot one with a sheep on it. I live in Yorkshire, we have a lot of sheep…

        My tea pot at work has strawberries on it. Its a bit twee but it is big and size matters 🙂 BB

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  3. THIS POST IS EVERYTHING. I am also insanely picky with my decks. I have 3. No mermaids, angels, fairies, and what is with all the decks with crappy illustrations!? Shocking how many get printed. What decks do you have? Which are your favourites?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am very picky as well. Maybe not -quite- as picky as you but fairly close. Especially when it comes to a deck that I actually want to read with. I don’t have a running list of rules, but I pretty much say Fuck Angles as well.

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  5. Michelle Weisskopf says:

    Goodness! I have not laughed and chuckled this hard revolving around these topics in a long time. You pretty much sum it all up. I’ve been perusing all of your blog posts and it has been a treat. It’s been a kind of ‘Fuckit2017’ kind of day.

    I was, however, curious if you had taken a look at the Mary-El? It happens to be one of my favorites, so I am biased, but it seems to hit a lot of the laundry list ticks you mentioned in this post.

    Like

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